LIFE + LITTLES “Living with Depression”

Hi I’m Jessica and I’m really good at faking a smile. I don’t do it as much nowadays but it still happens and today is one of those days. I’m also really good at crying with no evidence of tears, red puffy eyes or smeared makeup. I actually learned all of these as a young kid and mastered it in my teen years. You wouldn’t know it if you ever met me in person but I’m a mama who lives with depression. Typically I wouldn’t be making a post like this and for 2 reasons. 1. I don’t like to admit, even to myself that sometimes I’m weak. 2. I’m an open book if you ask but I don’t advertise a ton about myself personally. But being today is one of my weak days and it happens to also be the last day of Maternal Mental Health Awareness Week I figured why not… might actually help another mama out. Maybe to even share her story one day! So here it goes! 15 years ago I was diagnosed with depression. My actual diagnosis was “Non specific depressive disorder with self mutilating behavior”. Pretty much they didn’t know what was wrong me so they just pumped me full of drugs. At one point I believe I was taking 5 different types of medications daily and was living life as a zombie. I wasn’t depressed but I also wasn’t anything. Which is one reason I’m not fond of kids on regular medications. Don’t just fix the symptoms… teach them how to cope with their symptoms. Well fast forward some time (about 2ish years later) and I stopped all medications and dr visits. I was actually really fine not on medications for the most part. I just needed to learn to cope with my depression… not deny and medicate it. As time went on I eventually became more in tune with my emotions and stopped denying my feelings and thoughts. I accepted that I’m going to have low days and that’s going to be part of my normal. On those days I kinda just need to let my mind and body work itself out. I don’t let myself give into any negative thoughts and I will always talk about it with my husband. He is really my best motivator in life and I tell him all the time he’s my rock! And he is!!! I do tend to be a bit moody and mostly towards my husband and I don’t do it on purpose. Honestly I couldn’t tell you why he gets the backlash of my mood swings. Maybe because I’m so comfortable and open with him. I’m also a bit more on edge with my Little’s. My patience with them is very low and I do tend to yell at them more. Which doesn’t help when I’m in that state of mind. But at bed time once they are asleep I sneak in extra kisses and apologize for our day and promise to try to do better. On these days I put on my fake smile blare some music (music has saved me so many times) and I just fake it till I make it for them… for us! Together is where we are our strongest! I won’t let depression control me or my time with my family! But because I suffer from it I do have to let it run its course to keep from having a major melt down. My kids don’t know and I usually just say mommy’s not feeling good or mommy’s tired today. They are still very little but when they are old enough to understand we will talk about it and I’ll be honest. I mean they might just inherit it from me so being open from the start might help build positive coping skills for them. Because I’ve learned to cope and have been for years I can actually function in a group setting and wear my fake smile professionally. I usually won’t attend birthday parties and I may cancel play dates and I’ll make up some random excuse. But for the most part I can participate in conversations and maybe even laugh but that doesn’t mean that it’s not there. That’s me not letting it control my life or trying to anyways. Don’t get me wrong I can’t always hold it in. I’ve actually busted into tears mid store and hid in the bathroom until I could contain it. To the outside world I probably looked a little crazy, to myself thats just part of my normal. Will it ever really go away… will I never have to wake up again and find that I want to spend the entire day crying…. hopefully. But if it doesn’t I will always grateful for the amount of awesome days I do have. Which is currently more than the low days and I call that winning! So cheers to you Mamas learning to cope! Whether your medicated or not… your still awesome and will always be worth it. Best motto… fake it till you make it! Can you relate? Have a question? Leave me a comment and let’s conquer depression together. Want to know when I go live with my next LIFE + LITTLES then scroll down and subscribe. Until next time XO! ]]>